1994

Peggy Orenstein's book, Schoolgirls, suggests that girl's self-esteem is lost as they "dumb themselves down" and conform to lesser expectations as to avoid being threatening. According to her study, the girls by adolescence had learned to not be too outspoken, too aggressive, or too smart. Boys are called on more in classrooms, and boys (even at home!) were in fact listened to more than the girls.



What part of this has affected me? (What part of this has affected YOU reader?) Orenstein's study was published in 1994-not that long ago! Certainly the research was conducted in the prime of my educational development. Which begs the question, what have I inherited from such a biased and hostile environment?

I can clearly remember the period in my life when I "realized" I wasn't "smart" like the boys in my class. I began to find my self-esteem, and largely my identity, in social groups, clothes, hobbies, and boys - not in school. I always had good grades, but I remained painfully aware that I wasn't "smart" like other people.

Fast forward a few years.
I went to college.

I came in contact with teachers who were women, who were beautiful, who were married, and yet not afraid to be themselves - they found identity and purpose in their intelligence. They were empowered by their intellectual development, not embarrassed by it. I remember being glued to my seat, listening to them speak. My entire body was on fire. I had FINALLY caught a shimmer, a glimpse of who I wanted to be. I had been walking around feeling empty inside, and I hadn't realized why. Looking back now, I see why. I had been "dumbing down" my mind's voice, and consequently, in a very real sense, I had been "dumbing down" my own life's experience.

I have discovered my own source of empowerment as I have allowed my mind to be fully, and more completely developed. I finally have a voice I'm no longer afraid to let others hear.

But then...

Last weekend I was talking to a guy, and in the course of our conversation I used several words he did not know. He asked me to explain, and I actually APOLOGIZED for using words too big and then I proceeded to feel EMBARRASSED about using said words. As soon as the moment passed I thought about Orenstein's research. I felt disappointment, and shame as I realized I was STILL one of the girls from her 1994 research.

Are you?