New Year, Last Semester

This is it reader. The final semester of my undergraduate degree. I started...uh, I'd rather not admit when...I started a long time ago (cough...2004).

Maybe it's all the hype about the New Year and looking back (or for some, refusing to look back) that I feel the need to review and then impart a few truths about me and my relationship to BYU.

When I first came to Provo I was an idiot. Seriously. An idiot. If I could see my 18-19 year old self again I would punch her in the face. That's the age when you think you know everything, but ironically you know nothing.


This is me at the end of my freshman year. BRIGHT blond. GROSS!


You see, I was a small town girl. I had small town ideas. As the Lord put people in my life, my world and consequently my place within it began to expand. I am so grateful that I finally caught the vision that I, ME, I could do it - I could do anything:

Travel to Europe. Be a Research Assistant. Make straight As. Get 2 dates on the same day. Fall in love. Hurt someone so deeply they moved away. Make friends I will have for the rest of my life. Cry so hard it hurt. Laugh so hard I cried. Stay up all night playing. Stay up all night writing papers. See my success. Feel my failure. Change what I didn't like about myself. See examples of what I wanted to become. Find people who believe in me. Find my MANY PASSIONS in life. Begin to love and accept who I am. Learn what I need from others, and to walk away if it's not given.

And somewhere along the way I sorta grew up.

Thank you Provo. You held my hand while I stumbled, tripped, and sometimes fell along this journey called college...or life really.

College is full of waste too. Wasted dreams. Wasted food. Wasted money. Wasted talent. For me, I wasted too many hours and too many late nights to stupid boys that didn't even matter. I wasted time thinking something was wrong with ME rather than assuming something was wrong with THEM.

I wasted time chasing other people's dreams. I came to college and I refused to be an English major. I tried out 6 different majors. They were all horrible. But everyone kept telling me that I shouldn't do English. Yet, switching my major to English was one of the best things I ever did.

I wasted time not being myself. I tried to fit my life, or my personality, to other people's molds and ideals. I was scared to face who I was. Sometimes reader, I am still scared to admit to myself who I am. But I'm getting better. I am learning to love all of me. Even my weaknesses and flabby stomach.

Alas, I am sitting at the end of the first day of my last semester and I can't help but think back to the first day of my first semester. I don't even recognize that young freshman girl. Yet I know she's inside of me still...somewhere. She has melted away into parts, into segments of my self. I look back and I am amazed. College has NEVER been what I expected, but it's been everything I needed.

The truth is, I'm scared to leave. But I am ready to try out my wings. I feel as though they have grown a little stronger. I am ready to face the cold winds of change.

Also, laptops (not desktops) are necessary; The honor code IS a good idea; Talking to the professor, while scary, is your best means for success; be the favorite roommate and clean your dishes; and never miss an opportunity to talk to someone new. You never know where that will lead you....