Toilets, NYC and The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

I have a very abnormal and very real hate for the constant and inconvenient bodily urge known as “peeing”. Yes, I agree. It’s weird. I’ve often wondered how it’s possible that after 27 years I haven’t acquired a certain level of acceptance or even appreciation for the necessary and, in some cases, enjoyable impulse. However, the truth is I find the ritual one great annoyance.

I remember as a kid playing in the forest that surrounded my house (literally. Our house was surrounded by a dense central-Florida brush, and it was the perfect place for an adventurous imagination like mine) and I was too busy building a tree-fort, fighting perilous intruders or scouting my magical kingdom to be bothered by such trivial things as a “potty break”. After years of watching my brother’s fine examples, I would often find a little girl tree – do the deed – and get right back to my very vital playtime. That was until my dad caught me using my little girl tree. In no uncertain terms he screamed everything any concerned father would say if they found their daughter’s fleshy bum exposed to the bright, clear afternoon sky. He also managed to remind me with a fatherly growl that we drank well water – water that was drawn straight from the very ground I was peeing in.  After that, I somehow managed to find time for the toilet.

In high school I gained the reputation as the girl who could hold her pee all day. I learned if you simply ignore the impulse long enough it eventually goes away…only to be replaced by the more brutally inconvenient bladder infection. Needless to say, after a few of those beauties I was quickly cured of my propensity for high school toilet aversion.

Yet, I can honestly say that in the last 10 years or so I've grown accustomed to and even made time for the necessary lavatory breaks. That was until I became pregnant. The sheer number of visits alone would drive any normal person absolutely crazy, much less someone like me. Personally I thought I was handling the change quite well until my bladder somehow shrunk to the size of a kumquat. I would pee before leaving the house only to find the urge coming back 5 minutes later. WHAT? WHY?

This became especially complicated by the simple fact that I live in NYC – the city with NO public restrooms. If I walked into a store I could only hope the manager was a woman who understood the pains of childbearing, and who might be willing to show mercy by way of a toilet. Otherwise (and sadly, this was more often the case) I would have to hold it in hopes of finding a McDonald's or Starbucks en route to my destination. And I won’t even begin to describe the anatomy of NYC public restrooms. Let’s just say I have arrived at many a home, business or appointment bouncing in desperate hope and sheer anticipation of a clean toilet seat. I even became so desperate as to seek out research. There had to be a way to ensure I was fully utilizing my precious bathroom time. The experts suggest if you bend forward, lift a leg, close an eye and do acrobatics while on the toilet you’re more likely to completely empty your bladder. I've tried. It’s a lie.

Which finally brings me to the climax of my story and the point of this blog post: For Thanksgiving my husband and I decided to join our friends at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in Manhattan. We were loaded with cinnamon rolls, hot cocoa, blankets, chairs and the customary parade surviving tactics. We had found the right spot, we had saved the right amount of space for our posse and now all we needed to do was wait for the glorious festivities to begin. Fully aware of the city I’m in and the pathetic size of my bladder, I cautiously drank 1 cup filled ¾ of the way with hot cocoa and a few desperate sips of water. That’s it. The irony of pregnancy is that you’re thirsty all the time and therefore you have to pee all the time.   Yet, I was willing to sacrifice my thirst on the altar of The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and to the city with no public restrooms. Then it hit me…the clear urge to find a toilet. I looked at my watch. The parade would begin in a half-hour. I rationalized that I would be too excited by the miraculous sights and sounds of the parade to be distracted by my bladder. I could wait. I looked at my watch. It was so close…I could definitely wait.     

I looked at my watch again. Oh no. It had only been 30 seconds! I thought I had been holding on for a solid 5 minutes. That’s when I knew I had to do something. I couldn't last a half-hour.

A friend nearby suggested I do the mother-tested towel tent trick. If you ever went to a swimming pool or beach as a child I guarantee you either did this or saw this being done. The towel tent trick involves 2 very trustworthy individuals who hold-up a towel (or in my bigger bum adult situation, a blanket) around another person while they change from their bathing suit to their street clothes. Unfortunately, I was not at a beach, I was not 4 years old and I had no clothes to change into – only a cup to try and pee in. I’ll save you the logistics of our tactics. Let’s just say it involved someone thrusting an iphone next to my ear with emitting water sounds; singing from nearby friends to cover up any sound me or my pee might make; and literally thousands of people walking or standing next to me as I tried to lower my trousers in order to pee – all while wrapped in a canopy of inconspicuous blankets held by my husband and a friend who couldn't look me in the eye.

Then I froze. My muscles wouldn't budge, nor would they listen to my brain’s silent command to work! I had extreme stage fright. I could not do it. I tired breathing deeply to relax: nothing. I tried focusing on the iphone’s water sounds: nothing. I could not do it! Giving up, I reasoned I simply didn't have to go bad enough. When I did, I would be able to go without a hiccup. I looked at my watch. The parade was about to begin in less than 15 minutes.

I stood around, chatted, laughed about my exploits and waited. When I realized I refused to move because of the pain I felt with a single step, I decided to try the blankets again. This time I told no one, except for my trusted tent-blanket holders. Assuming the additional privacy would help in the transaction, I lowered my pants, positioned the cup and got ready to let her flow. Then a young family stood, literally, right next to me. I couldn't believe my luck. I knew there was no chance of it happening now. Dejected and defeated, I called our mission quiets.

I surveyed the situation. We were right next to central park. The other side of the street might have a public restroom somewhere but I had no idea where that might be and we only had about 10 minutes until the start of the parade. Plus, if I crossed the street there was no guarantee I would make it back to my group of friends. The cops regulating the parade route where no joke, and if the parade had started before I got back there was NO way I could cross the street again. My only real option was central park. I could see the floats approaching, and I knew the parade was about to begin at any moment.

I grabbed a wet-wipe, my husband and a blanket. I was on a mission and this time I wasn't going to fail. Heading into central park we ventured off the beaten path toward a large bridge. I broke through the metal barricades and slid next to the wall in the center of the dome-shaped bridge.  I could see people on the other side of the bridge clear as day. My only hope was that the looming floats down the street would distract them and no one would be turning around to view me in all my glory. My husband stood to my left, the side of me facing central park – where a few stragglers were still walking in hopes of seeing the parade for themselves. Throwing a blanket around me, I lowered my pants and let it come. And it finally did! Hallelujah! Yet, my muscles had been so tight from before that the stream was agonizingly slow. No matter how much I tried to push, it stubbornly remained as slow as maple syrup on a cold winters morning. I asked my husband if anyone was coming. Patiently, yet strongly, he urged me to hurry. That was, however, the one thing I couldn’t do. I could not make it move any faster. What was worse was that it was still coming! There was so much that it seemed to have lasted an entire minute. I couldn't believe it! Suddenly, my husband with slightly less patience and more urgency told me to hurry up! I couldn't see but I could hear footsteps. Someone was definitely coming. I had barely enough time to seal the deal, pull up my pants and take a few steps before an entire family walked right past us.

To be completely honest, reader, I’m pretty sure they walked right through my little puddle of pee. Pretty gross, right? Well, if you've read this far than you deserve to hear the moral we walked away with on that Thanksgiving morning: don’t ever judge what a pregnant lady has to do to survive in NYC, and the shoes you wear in NYC should never, ever be worn inside your house. 

However, the parade was AMAZING and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Sure, I had to get up at the crack of dawn and fight the crowds, but I will never forget how I felt as I watched the parade or the way the city looked afterwards: I felt at home. It was truly a family-friendly, morally clean and uplifting event for which I was THANKFUL.