What part of this has affected me? (What part of this has affected YOU reader?) Orenstein's study was published in 1994-not that long ago! Certainly the research was conducted in the prime of my educational development. Which begs the question, what have I inherited from such a biased and hostile environment?
I can clearly remember the period in my life when I "realized" I wasn't "smart" like the boys in my class. I began to find my self-esteem, and largely my identity, in social groups, clothes, hobbies, and boys - not in school. I always had good grades, but I remained painfully aware that I wasn't "smart" like other people.
Fast forward a few years.
I went to college.
I came in contact with teachers who were women, who were beautiful, who were married, and yet not afraid to be themselves - they found identity and purpose in their intelligence. They were empowered by their intellectual development, not embarrassed by it. I remember being glued to my seat, listening to them speak. My entire body was on fire. I had FINALLY caught a shimmer, a glimpse of who I wanted to be. I had been walking around feeling empty inside, and I hadn't realized why. Looking back now, I see why. I had been "dumbing down" my mind's voice, and consequently, in a very real sense, I had been "dumbing down" my own life's experience.
I have discovered my own source of empowerment as I have allowed my mind to be fully, and more completely developed. I finally have a voice I'm no longer afraid to let others hear.
But then...
Last weekend I was talking to a guy, and in the course of our conversation I used several words he did not know. He asked me to explain, and I actually APOLOGIZED for using words too big and then I proceeded to feel EMBARRASSED about using said words. As soon as the moment passed I thought about Orenstein's research. I felt disappointment, and shame as I realized I was STILL one of the girls from her 1994 research.
Are you?
